There was once a time when I hated conflict and ran away
from it. Shy and timid, a people pleaser and an empath (though I still hope I am
empathetic) – I did everything I could to make sure that everyone is happy, and
everything is fine.
We had a class election once in school and I voted for “whoever had the least vote”, and teacher ended up not counting my vote at all. But I guess I didn’t learn by lesson until much later in life where conflict followed me and forced me to face it. (even though I tried my best to run away from it). It didn’t make me feel good to give in to something I didn’t want to do if I made the other person happy-but what’s a little discomfort when compared to maintaining the relationship itself?
That was my motto.
I practically revered other people and was sometimes practically a doormat. All this I did to preserve my friendships and relationships to the nth degree.
I guess having no thoughts or opinions of your own is not a personality type and I’m not saying that it is a terrible thing to give in to what your friend wants to do occasionally. And I’m not saying that I am right always. About what I want to do and who I want to hang out with. But the point is sometimes when things bother you, it’s okay to voice it. It’s okay to have a different set of values and opinions from those around you and it’s okay to be different. Even if it produces conflict and even if there’s tension in the relationship.
None of us are perfect and so none of us are right 100% of
the time, so in the case of a disagreement it may be that we both are wrong or
we both are right, or even that one is wrong and one is right. The way to
handle this though is very important. We need to do it with gentleness, respect,
and love,*(more resources at the end). This is something I'm still learning. Jesus said:
“Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.”
Mathew 5:9
I don’t think that peacemakers are people who never spoke up for
what they believed in. The book of Acts is filled with people spreading the
gospel to a people who sometimes threatened to kill them and were thoroughly against
it (and sometimes, accepted it). But they never got into physical fights with anyone.
They preached with love. And of course, Jesus was killed on the cross for
calling Himself God & the King of Jews.
So, this teaches me that peacemaking has nothing to do with
always going with the grain of culture and never thinking for yourself or be
different. It doesn’t mean we never do what God tells you to do as opposed to
the popular trend. A lot of Jesus’ teachings is anti-cultural – but Jesus loves
people. So, we are to do the same – love God, and love our neighbor. But don’t
love everything your neighbor says or does and copy it blindly & without good reason.
I guess we all have this desire to please something or
someone. But at the end of the day it’s all about making the choice – do we
please man, or do we please God? If we please man all the time, we would most
likely conflict with God. (which to me is not very wise – from experience and
from just writing that sentence down). If we please God all the time, the
converse is true, we could conflict with other people.
But we have God, and isn’t that everything? With the first
option people may abandon you. But with God we’re never alone.
I know that I have far-a-way to go in this subject, so
more on it later. There’s a lot to unpack here.
*Some more resources on the cases when it’s okay to get
angry about unfair things and do something about it:
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