My Life Story. A.

Good day reader ! :D

Yesterday I stumbled across a blog post Your Life Story which made me think about how easily we get judged and judge others.
      At the bottom of the blogger, Julie, left an open invitation for the readers to send in our life stories to her by e-mail. I started writing "My Life Story" and wrote, for quite some time. It turned out to be freakishly LONG and I wrote until about 2:38 AM in the morning. 
 And as uncomfortable as it may be - I'm going to be sharing it here - in four parts (because.) So this is the first part :).

There was once a time quite a while back - when
I didn't care much about myself, but based my opinion of myself, on what others said.
It's crazy, how I managed to survive that phase- but I guess it didn't completely rule my life, so thank God for that. When I sit down to write this random sketch of my "life" so far, one thing that stands out - besides the kind of child I was ( which was the type who had a lot of ideas and thought a notebook +pen = happiness.) - is the passing of my mother.
My mom sacrificed a lot for me (as most mothers tend to do) , like - she gave up a career in my early stages to take care of me and my sister. She loved me, and told me to talk to Jesus whenever I thought I was alone and in the dark.            

She had cancer - was on treatment for a while, but soon got better. This was when I was very young, about 4 or 5 years of age(I don't remember exactly..).
I didn't know what cancer was, except that it made my mother have to go to the hospital quite a lot and also lose her hair(not as a result of cancer, but because of the treatment). She had mastectomy of one of her breasts(as part of her treatment). Chemotherapy and Radiation were words I heard quite a lot. Others might have looked at her differently - but to me she was my mom. 

That was my normal.        In spite of all this, and once the cancer had been "controlled" - things sort of took a different turn, and I had quite a blessed childhood. As a kid, I was protected, taken care of, Loved, listened to - and I'm grateful for aaaallll of that. :D
I made good friends in school, and did pretty OK with the scoring marks part in.

In High School, for some reason I started to drift apart from my friends. But I got to make new friends right after that and sort of sailed along somehow.
This was when I began to care about everybody else's opinions - which is good in some small ways, but can also become your poison. By this time, however, my mother was starting to have to go to the hospital a lot again. 

As a child, my mother tried to explain to me as best as she could - one afternoon- that she wanted to be there for me and asked me if I wanted her too?
We had a few mother-daughter fights, and I wasn't the best child - because by this time I had begun to hate myself ( for what ever reason ?) but when she asked me that - I sort of broke down and we both cried.
I didn't know she had little chances of recovery (nobody ever told me that) I guess I sort of thought , she'd get better like the last time.
About a week after my 13th birthday I came home from school and walked into the room where my mother rested, like every other day, to just talk- but she wasn't feeling well(with a cold, too) and started coughing and sort of pushed me away. I got mad at her, and left - my grandmother was in the room still, with her.
Soon, it became apparent that something was wrong - 'cause she didn't seem to be breathing right ( I'm not quite sure, exactly what was wrong) And we started to try to find out why she looked so uncomfortable. I got on the bed and propped her up, so that she was leaning on me. Nothing seemed to work or get her comfortable, again. I got off, and suddenly my sister was there with her friend and her mother ( my sister is about 6 years older than me)- they lived close by.. and an ambulance was called. In minutes however, my mother stopped breathing and I remember touching her hands and they'd felt so cold. Somebody called my dad to give him the news, he was out of town for work.  

I remember thinking :" my life is never going to be the same again", and that proved to be true.
For some reason, I wandered off and wanted to be alone and I was fiddling through the Word of God, I came across the words "I will never leave thee or forsake thee"
God suddenly became real to me, and this is not the type of experience I can put effectively in words. I felt Him there.
The days that led to the funeral are sort of stored in flashes of memories in my mind.

 

Lalala :D You have successfully reached the end of the first part out of four! The next part should be up sometime next month.
Tell me what you think : jeffy.blogger@hotmail.com or comment :)

Thank you Julie, for I'm doing this a little bit because of you. Now it's your turn! I want to know your life story! E-mail it to me ;)

Love

-Jeff